When the travellers again reached the Amber City and were escorted into the BNF's presence, Dorothy showed him the jug, with the dissolved remains of the Witch inside, and told him all about their adventures.
"You see," she concluded, "we poured the Blog on her, just like you told us to do."
"Dear me," said the BNF. "You have indeed. Well, now you've planted an ob with me, and I must by all means grant your wishes. What is it you want?"
"Well, sir, the scarecrow here wants a new beanie, to protect his fannish headbone from unfannish thoughts. He knows you can give him the best beanie ever, because you're the biggest name fan in Iz.
"Why, yes," said the BNF, "as a matter of fact I could do that, indeed. As a matter of fact, I could give you an eighteen-prop beanie, with emeralds studding it, and jewelled bearings in the props."
"Gosh, sir, that'd be terrific!" exclaimed the Scarecrow.
"But," said the BNF, "you wouldn't want such a thing. You see, such a beanie would do you know more good than the simple, unembellished beanie you wear right now. Nothing adds to the power of a trufan's beanie, no matter how many jewels you add, no matter how many props." He turned to the Tin Woodsfan. "Now, what is your problem?"
The Tin Woodsfan stepped forward. "Well, Mr. BNF, all I want is -- well, just a heart, sir, so I won't be looking for feuds all the time. It was a feud that got me rusted in the first place, and I don't like them anymore. That's kid stuff."
"You, my son, have heart enough for a regiment," said the BNF. "Anyone else would never have won through all the difficulties you've had on your adventures. You need no heart."
Then the BNF turned to the Lion. "And now you, my mangy friend -- what can I do for you?"
"W-well, sir, I don't know how to --" the Lion began, obviously very frightened.
"What the Lion wants," interrupted Dorothy, "is courage. You see, he's terribly afraid of feuds. He's a real fierce feuder when he gets going -- why, he can type searing sarcastic letters two at a time, one with his front feet and one with his hind feet -- but he gets so frightened that somebody might get mad and start a feud with him over something he's written or published, that he hardly ever publishes or writes anything."
"Y-yes," said the Lion. "Why, I almost got thrown out of Trufandom APA, but I found some old football tickets that had been blown across the Deadly Desert, and I sent them through TAPA. I thought they were perfectly innocuous, you see. But everybody got mad at me!"
"Ah there, Leo!" said the BNF. "You don't need courage, for your quietest meekest growl scares every living thing in Iz. You are actually the king of beasts. If you'd just distribute pictures of yourself once, you'd never have to worry about feuds again.
The BNF then reached into his black bag of magical things and withdrew three small bottles. Handing one each to the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsfan, and the Lion, he said, "This is what all three of you need. It's really very magical, and very easy to get, too."
The scarecrow opened the bottle and sniffed it. "Why, it's perfume!" he said.
"Yes," smiled the BNF. "Very ordinary perfume, too. But I guarentee that it will work. Whenever you, my straw-filled friend, or you, Woodsfan, or you, Leo -- whenever any of you run into such problems as you've presented to me, apply a little of the perfume to your head. Believe me, applying common scents will solve most anything."
The Lion, the Tin Woodsfan, and the Scarecrow all thanked theBNF greatly, and fell to talking excitedly among themselves. The BNF turned to Dorothy.
"And now, young lady, what can I do for you?" he asked.
"Oh," said Dorothy, "I have to get back home, to outside fandom, because I've got more than thirty cut stencils for my next issue waiting for me, and I didn't bring the original material, and I just have to publish because I'm two weeks past deadline now, and I thought ..."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" the BNF exclaimed, mopping his brow. "I can't follow a long sentence like that. You should break it up with lots of white space. Now, as I see the problem, you want to get back, right? You're tired of Iz, and ..."
"Oh, no, sir! I'm not tired of Iz! Why, I've made such fast friends here, and had such wonderful adventures, why if it was possible, I'd stay here forever, but you see, I've got these cut stencils at home, and I've got to ..."
"Hold it, hold it! Trust a femme-fan to start a stream-of-consciousness conversation every time. Now listen here. I understand perfectly. You see, this land of Iz is just a fairy-tale fandom -- for a person in the outside world it's not real. Now, you know you can't stay here -- there's nothing here of any real importance to you. Tell me the truth now -- don't you really want to go back because you miss your Aunt Em and Uncle Henry? Don't you miss your friends, and all the normal, nonfannish things that don't exist here in Iz?"
Dorothy nodded.
"Well then," said the BNF, "since this is just a dream-world, then . . . wake up!"
"But how can I do that?" asked Dorothy.
"Do what, dear?"
"Go back home, just by waking up. It must be much, much harder than --" Then Dorothy saw to her astonishment that she was lying on her own bed, and Aunt Em was standing beside her, smiling.
"I think you've been dreaming again," said Aunt Em.
After a few moments, Dorothy smiled, and hugged her Aunt Em. "Yes, and I'm so glad to be awake," she said.
-- Carl Brandon
(Data entered by Judy Bemis)