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by
VERNON McCAIN
"I tell you, Joe, it's rough being a television producer. Oh, I know, you guys on the outside look at the big money and think it's all 'cheer and vittles' but you'd be surprised what I have to put up with. Crackpots ......"
"Like today, just before you came in ..... Some ham actor was here. A complete unknown. Nobody'd ever heard of him before. And you know what he wanted? He wanted me to build a show around him -- give him the starring role. Can you beat it? And you should have heard the crock-and-wool story he tried to hand me. It was a stunt, y'see? Fantastic stuff. Funny thing is he sorta acted like he believed it himself."
"I don't know why Francie let him in to see me. He was little and not much personality. Wouldn't scan worth a damn. But then I don't know why Francie lets half of those characters in. Characters all day long. I'd fire her if I could find another secretary with legs like that."
"Comes struttin' in here like he owns the joint. 'You the boss?' he wants to know."
" 'Course I'm the boss,' say I. 'Do y' think anybosy else gets to sit on this lambs-wool overstuffed furniture? What's on y'r mind?' "
"Just then Francie buzzes me on the squawk-box and I take the call on the office phone. It was some two-bit agent and I brushed him off and turned back to this character."
" 'Now what's your tale of woe?' I asked him. I was wondering if maybe Francie would go out to dinner with me so I missed part of what he was saying. 'What did you say your name was again?' I asked."
" 'Bell,' he replied. 'Alexander G. Bell. You've heard the name, no doubt. It's quite well known in the scientific field.' "
" 'Yeh, maybe I have. Some guy named Bell wrote science-fiction under a pen-name, didn't he? John Wayne or Payne or something like that ...' "
"The little squirt heaves a sigh as if maybe his dinner wasn't exactly agreeing with him."
" 'No, no!' he says. 'Not that kind of science. I'm an inventor. I invent things. What was that you just got thru talking on?'"
"A telephone, naturally."
"And who invented it?"
"I give him the old horse laugh. 'Ha, anybody knows that. Don Ameche, of course.'"
"The little guy groaned. 'That's what everybody says,' he said morosely. 'Ameche gets all the credit while I did all the work.' Then he brightened, 'But I'm going to let you in on something big.'"
" 'What,' says I. 'I can always use a laugh.'"
"He leaned across my desk till he was almost whispering in my ear. 'I have been dead over 100 years.'"
" 'No kiddin'.' I come right back, 'You look just as alive as me.'"
"But that didn't faze him. 'I'm serious,' he says. 'One of my descendants who has the same name I had is also a scientist. He was fooling around with a machine he invented. It was supposed to exchange egos. Somehow the thing got out of whack and he called me up out of the past. And now I'm walking around in his body.'"
"I lit a cigar. I see a dozen of these crackpots every day. I don't let them bother me any."
"The squirt was getting worked up. 'And everywhere I go there are telephones but nobody remembers me. Everyone has forgotten all about me and I don't like it.' He stamped his foot. 'I don't like it a bit.'"
" 'So?' says I."
" 'So,' he replied, 'I've come to you. As the largest television producer in New York you're exactly the man I need. I've decided to take my revenge and I need your help. I want you to put on a big two-hour biographical extravaganza with me acting as the chief role.'"
" 'Just like that,' I said, 'And what do we call this show?'"
" 'Why THE LIFE OF DON AMECHE, naturally,' he says ...."
"See what I mean, Joe, crackpots all day long."
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Updated June 18, 2001. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.