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There! That is a neatly-baited title, for it seems to imply that the following dissertation will be in some way concerned with science fiction. And since Slant is concerned with science-fiction in its sprightly Gaelic manner, you may be forgive n for leaping to the conclusion that the writers in it are also. But, alas, dear leapers, we are not all born in the lush lands where the river S-F flows. We are, some of us, nomads, dwellers in the arid deserts beyond the pale, children of the darkness.< /P>
Indeed, in the very heart of America...the region known in times past as the "Fertile Excrescence"-cradle of such cultural phenomena as the Jesse James and Buffalo Bill legends...Mark Twain...and the Free Silver Heresy- is one of these now be nighted realms, barren of science-fiction as the Sahara is barren of mosques. Indeed, MORE barren, for all Arabs have heard of the prophet and praise him, but few indeed are the inhabitants of this desert who have heard of Campbell or Gold.
So you-if you be a missionary at heart, or even an adventurer-are invited to leave the luxuries of the cities of milk and honey-your Space Suits and your Space Ships-your Scantily-Garbed Heroines and your Mighty-Minded Heroes-your Floating Ways and you r flaming jets-for a brief visit to the world-left-behind-the world of all our yesterdays, where S-F is only a program that very small children frighten themselves with on T-V.
The success of an expedition such as you are going to take depends on advance planning. No matter how wise you may be in the World of Tomorrow and its customs-no matter how cleverly you can cope with the Man-Eating Plants of Venus and the Crafty Anci ents of Mars...'ware the S-F desert, where the natives will keep confronting you with the nightmare PROBLEMS OF TODAY! Select a guide you can trust. Consult your friends (if any has returned alive from similar safaris.) Handpick your bearers. Know you r weapons. (Here an additional word of warning might be added: DO NOT IN ANY CASE DEPEND UPON YOUR RAY GUNS FOR DEFENSE!!!! The children of the desert have developed a natural resistance to ray-dissolution, and in their simple, superstitious way they h ave come to attach religious significance to that natural resistance. They call it DOUBT HEALING.)
Of course, there are cases in the desert where the S-F springs flow crystal clear and pure-newsstands, corner drug stores, and other fonts of truth and wisdom. But the traveller from gentler climes had best bring a copy of the "Druggists' Direct ory" with him lest he perish of thirst only a few city blocks from a copy of Galaxy.
Nor are the backward inhabitants of the desert eager to welcome new ideas. A short while ago a denizen of the country, attempting to create a demand which might result in an S-F pipeline for the territory, went from one drugstore newsstand to another , requesting a copy of Slant. The only result was a blank and hostile stare from each proprietor. And eventually he found himself being shadowed by a number of the above proprietors who had always nurtured a secret yearning to be in the FBI or th e DESERT SONG. "Whasse tryin' to do?" they hissed at one another in pharmaceutical symbols-"interduce somp'n new-and ruin business for the Sat'dy Ev'nin Post?"
Under the influence of their persuasion, the enlightened one abandoned his attempt at modernization and returned to his tent where he reverted to native customs, adding validity to the argument that it's no use trying to educate the natives. They'd r ather have their nomadic freedom than a steady job reading Astounding.
Now, concerning supplies for your trip!
Most of your luggage, of course, will have to consist of the living waters of S-F...for it is this which the desert so sorely lacks. At least three-preferably more-years' back issues of any mag you like, plus a trunkful of pocket books, will constitu te a bare minimum, and these will have to be replenished soon from the aforementioned oases. Due to rapid dehydration in the arid climes, you will find it necessary to imbibe approximately twice your usual quota of S-F to maintain your mental equilibrium . Bear this in mind, and prepare to supply not less than five or six books daily for each member of your party, which should prevent complete dessication-though it will certainly not be all that you might wish.
One more important suggestion in dealing with the dangers of the desert is the technique for buying S-F literature. Always peer near-sightedly at the rack, grumble something about not being able to see with your derned eyeglasses (or without them as the case may be). Mutter, well you have to get the kid somp'n to read, and take your mag blindly from the rack. Any other method is fraught with menace.
And so, with these few practical suggestions, we close this guidebook to the S-F desert. Welcome, all travellers. Visit us-but COME AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Data entry and page scans provided by Judy Bemis
Updated September 26, 2003. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.