Recent Supreme Court decisions upholding the laws against sodomy -- unnatural sex such as oral and anal and aardvark -- greatly increases the criminal population in this country. Which is cool. No problem. Let the homosexuals and heterosexuals and the growing legion of undecideds work things out for themselves. But what about people with really unusual tastes?
S-M? No -- that's been tied up in our culture for years. Pedophilia? Kid stuff. Amputee sex? No more than a cut above the ordinary. Enema orgies? They're a washout these days. Caprophagia? Don't give me that shit. I hate all these movements.
No -- I'm talking about something earthy. Something monumental. Something grave. The newest and funkiest of carnal plots. That's right -- necrophilia. Think about it.
You have your basic necrophiliac, a thoroughly perverted, but essentially harmless individual. Say he and a consenting corpse of legal age fall in love. Have sex. They do it in the Missionary Position. So far, so good.
But what if they get into illegal variations? It happens. Those oral, anal, aardvark numbers. What about that? What if they get caught? Here you have two criminals, and one of them is dead. Now don't get me wrong. Some of my best friends are dead. But really -- consider our couple.
Both of them are consenting, to the best of their abilities. But both of them are lawbreakers, right up there with burglars and politicians. And both are entitled to be tried before a jury of their peers.
Now try to imagine this. Try to imagine taking the word peers literally. Why not? What you get in this instance, you get a jury of necrophiliacs. That might be a bit tough to find -- a jury of practicing and admitted necrophiliacs. But let's say the court can find them. And of course the codefendant is a corpse. And she's also entitled to a jury of her peers. Dead people who have had carnal knowledge of the living. You have to go with that. It's only fair. Hell, it's the law.
So okay. They're being tried together. I can see that. Half the jury is composed of practicing, admitted necrophiliacs, and the other half is decomposed of corpses. Can you picture this? Bailiff, do something about the jury -- they're falling apart at the seams. Your Honor, I object -- the defendant is unresponsive. It's a nightmare.
And there's only one possible outcome to a trial like this. I mean, once all the issues have been sorted out, you know what you're going to end up with. That's right -- a hung jury. The hell with it. My three-legged nine-year-old aardvark is waiting for me, and she gives me a terrific enema when I whip her. I'm coming dear.
Pax.
-- Bob Toomey
(illo by Dan Steffan: "ahem Hey-um-Baby! Ever make it with a pro?)
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Hard copy provided by Geri Sullivan
Data entry by Judy Bemis
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